Unsolved Mysteries of the Wizard of Oz
by elphabathedelirious32
Summary: Parody. Somewhat funnier if you've seen Wicked, but still good to read if you haven't. Rated T for mild language.
1. Demonic Munchkins!

**A/N: Here's my Wizard of Oz parody. If you've seen Wicked, you'll get more of the jokes, but it's still funny anyway. **

**Disclaimer: It's not mine, it's public domain. **

Aunt Em: Dorothy! Dorothy! Where's that girl! What kind of idiot goes out in a tornado?

Uncle Henry: She's probably chasing that dumb rodent-dog.

Aunt Em: I hate that dog. Why'd we let her get it?

Uncle Henry: It's less annoying than her whining 24/7 about getting a dog.

Aunt Em: So true.

(they both go in the cellar)

Dorothy: (walks into the empty house carrying Toto) Oh crap, my aunt and uncle went in the cellar without me. Don't I feel loved. (she falls on the floor and the house starts flying)

Dorothy: Shit, this is cool!

3 hours later…

Dorothy: Um, okay, the coolness is wearing off now.

(the house lands)

Dorothy: Crap! I think we ran over something! (she runs outside and is greeted by Glinda and the Munchkins)

Glinda: Congrats, kid, you've just killed the Wicked Witch of the East!

Munchkins: (in highpitched demonic voices): We're free! We love you! We will now sing incredibly obvious things in incredibly annoying voices for an incredibly long time!

Glinda: Oh shit. Thanks a lot.

(wicked witch of the west appears)

Witch: Glinda, what the hell did you do to my sister?

Glinda: I didn't do it! Hey, wait a second, how'd you know?

Witch: I'm a witch, you idiot.

Glinda: Oh, yeah.

Dorothy: Wait, how did these shoes get on my feet?

Witch: Glinda, you witch! Those were my sister's!

Glinda: Get ahold of yourself. They're just shoes. You obviously don't have the taste to appreciate them.

Witch: -looks at her shoes- Well…it's not my fault I'm green, and it's not easy, either!

Glinda: Nor is it easy to look at.

Witch: I'd shut up if I were you.

Glinda: Well, you're not, thank God!

Witch: Grrrr! (she disappears in a puff of red smoke)

Dorothy: That was freaky.

Glinda: Tell me about it. Oh, well, I have an errand to run. See ya! (she flies away in her bubble.)

Munchkins: Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the-

Dorothy: Okay, okay! I got it the first time! What do you think I am, an idiot?

Munchkin 1: Well, you weren't in the cellar during a tornado.

Dorothy: My dog ran off!

Munchkin 2: So? It's annoying!

Dorothy: You're annoying! (she leaves)

Dorothy: La di dum dum dum…ooh look, it's a scarecrow!

Scarecrow: What's up?

Dorothy: Holy shit! You talk!

Scarecrow: Yeah, lots of things talk around here. Except that most of them are animals, so they really aren't things, so actually, they don't count. But whatever.

Dorothy: Um…okay then.

Scarecrow: Could you, like, get me down? Some idiot stuck me up here and now I've got a giant stick up my butt, which is really not how I'd like to be remembered.

Dorothy: Sure. (she does so).

Scarecrow: Thanks. Now…um…my only issue is that I, uh…don't have a brain! Yeah, that's it.

Dorothy: Well, that sucks for you. Bet you failed history.

Scarecrow: I had a good tutor.

Dorothy: Well, I'm going to the Emerald City to see the Wizard, wanna come?

Scarecrow: Why not. Maybe the Wizard can give me a brain.

Dorothy: Glinda said he could send me back to Kansas.

Scarecrow: Glinda?

Dorothy: Yep. I landed in Munchkinland, my house crushed the Wicked Witch of the East like a bug, so the Munchkins love me, and Glinda told me to follow this road. Then some scary green lady appeared and started yelling about shoes.

Scarecrow: So she wasn't going nuts when she started talking about flying houses! I mean…wow. Cool shoes.

Dorothy: They pinch.

Scarecrow: Ness- I mean, the Wicked Witch of the East- had small feet.

Dorothy: Why do you know that?

Scarecrow: A little Bird told me.

Dorothy: Oh, okay.

(they run into the Tinman)

Dorothy: Are you a robot, or what?

Tinman: Need…oil.

Dorothy: Oh, sorry. (she dumps oil all over him).

Tinman: Thanks. I have no heart. The Wicked Witch of the East did it and her sister helped.

Dorothy: Um…okay. Wanna come to the Emerald City and ask the Wizard for a heart?

Tinman: Sure.

(they skip inanely along the road until they enter a forest)

Dorothy: I'm scared.

Scarecrow: You should be.

Tinman: Not helping.

Scarecrow: Who said I wanted to help?

Tinman: I'm the heartless one, stupid.

Dorothy: (ignoring them) There's lions and tigers and bears in this forest.

Scarecrow: Nope. There's Lions and Tigers and Bears.

Dorothy: That's what I just said.

Scarecrow: No, there's a difference.

Dorothy: This place is weird.

Tinman: No shit.

(the Lion jumps out at them)

Lion: Boo!

Scarecrow: Hey there.

Lion: You're supposed to be scared!

Scarecrow: Oh, well, too bad. I'm too dumb to be scared. And I'm straw. Nothing hurts me.

Lion: Oh, well then.

Tinman: (jumps out at Lion) Boo!

Lion: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You made me wet my- well, I don't have any pants, but you get the idea.

Dorothy: Ew. And ew.

Scarecrow: Wanna come get some courage from the Wizard of Oz?

Lion: I heard that guy was kind of a jerk.

Tinman: You're wrong, it's the Witch of the West who's a jerk.

Lion: Okay.

Scarecrow: (glares at Tinman inexplicably).

Dorothy: Let's skip!

Lion: Must we?

Dorothy: YES!

Lion: Okay, okay! Please don't kill me!

Dorothy: Dude, you weigh like ten times more than me. I couldn't hurt you if I tried.

Lion: Whatever. Your dog is creepy.

(they continue through the forest until they come upon a small house. They stop for some reason and the Witch appears on the roof in a puff of smoke)

Dorothy: Holy shit!

Scarecrow: Hey.

Witch: I'm going to stuff a mattress with you!

Scarecrow: DIRTY!

Witch: Shut up! You really are brainless!

Scarecrow: Sorry! Didn't mean to mess up your 'big plan.'

Witch: This would have been your idea.

Scarecrow: Oh. Heh heh. Right.

Dorothy: WTF are you talking about!

Witch: Um...nothing! Now...give me those shoes, or...or...or...else, that's what!

Dorothy: Nope, sorry. They're stuck. Pinch like heck, too.

Witch:Yeah, Glinda never did quite get that transforming bit down.

Scarecrow: Except that one time when she turned your dress into a pink fluffy one in the middle of the dining hall, remember?

Witch: I was actually trying to block that out, thanks.

Scarecrow: Sorry.

Tinman: Hey, wait a sec! You sound familiar.

Scarecrow: Um...no, I don't.

Lion: Yeah, actually, come to think of it, you do!

Witch: Could we get back to the threats now? They're kinda fun.

Glinda: (pops out of nowhere)Like father like daughter!

Witch: What the...

Glinda: Erm...nothing! I'll just go away now.

Witch: Hurry it up! I'm so not over you helping kill my sister.

Glinda: That was so not my fault!

Witch: Was too! (they get in another catfight)

Dorothy: Ahem!

Glinda: Oh, right. (she disappears).

Tinman: -drools on scarecrow-

Scarecrow: Dude. Ew. You'll make me mold. -gives witch a look-

Witch: Sor-ree! Let's remind ourselves that you'd be molding six feet under if I hadn't...

Scarecrow: I know, I know! I was only kidding!

Witch: Well, good.

Scarecrow: Don't you have somewhere to be? Like, oh, I don't know...maybe filling stuff up and putting it in obvious places around that castle that I've -ahem ahem- NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE!

Witch: Oh, yeah. I still don't get why we couldn't just...(she disappears, still fuming)

Dorothy: Why's that smoke red?

Scarecrow: She's pissed. Not that I'd know, of course. Just a guess.

Dorothy: Oh.

Tinman: I have to pee.

Scarecrow: Well, good luck with that.


	2. Poppies! Oooh!

**A/N: Sorry I abandoned this story, but I watched the Wizard of Oz…uh…last week, and now I have ideas!**

**Disclaimer: BWAHAHA, it's public domain but I didn't write it. Cause I kinda wasn't born in 1900. But whatever. **

(Dorothy, the Lion, the Tinman and the Scarecrow all skip along the road for a re-al-ly long time with the Tinman whining about needing to pee)

Tinman: I really, really, really have to pee! If I wasn't tin and I had a bladder, it would burst!

Scarecrow: Drip…drip…drip...-trips and falls-

Tinman: Haha you stupid klutz.

Scarecrow: At least I don't have a phantom bladder. Weirdo.

Dorothy: Hey, Tinman, maybe you should ask the Wizard of Oz for a bladder.

Scarecrow: Yes, cause then he wouldn't have a heart and he'd _die!_

Tinman: No, I wouldn't. The Wicked Witch turned me into tin.

Scarecrow: Finally, he gets it.

Dorothy: Which Wicked Witch?

Lion: Can we not talk about witches? They scare me.

Scarecrow: What doesn't scare you?

Lion: Ice cream. In fact…I want some ice cream.

Tinman: I have to pee.

Dorothy: My shoes pinch.

Scarecrow: Oh my God. You weirdos are more annoying than the freaking Munchkins!

Dorothy: Gee, _thanks_.

Scarecrow: Whatever. Hey, look, a poppy field, that, like the Witch's castle, I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF BEFORE IN MY LIFE!

Tinman: Um, okay.

Dorothy: Ooh, flowers! (she runs into the field, stops abruptly and falls over)

Tinman: Hey I have phantom reactions to opiates too! (he falls over and makes a really loud clanking noise)

Lion: I'm scared of poppies…(he falls over and crushes the Tinman's left leg)

Scarecrow: Haha losers. You fell for that so easily.

(snow comes pouring down)

Scarecrow: Dammit Glinda! Quit with the snow and STOP CALLING ME!

…

(in the Witch's castle)

Witch: Dammit, Glinda! Get over it! He's with me now so you can give up this stupid game and give me back my sister's shoes!

Glinda: (randomly appears) How about no. I'm hotter than you and plus I can't figure out how to get the shoes off.

Witch: You idiot.

Glinda: Yup. Pretty much. –pause- This is all my fault, isn't it?

Witch: Um, yes.

Glinda: Oops, sorry.

Witch: That's okay. My sister was kind of a bitch anyway.

Glinda: Yeah, she was.

Witch: You're not allowed to say that! Only I can call my sister a bitch!

Glinda: Sor-ree!

Witch: Whatever. Can you please kick the annoying kid and her annoying- what is that, a giant rat?

Glinda: It's supposed to be a dog.

Witch: Ew. Anyway, can you get them back to Kansas or wherever?

Glinda: Oh, if she clicks her heels in the shoes three times, she'll be back there.

Witch: (steam comes out of her ears) WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HER THAT?

Glinda: Um…I forgot?

Witch: God you're a ditz.

Glinda: (giggles) I know. (she disappears).


End file.
